Meltdown

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing goes right and you feel like you are going to lose your mind? A day where you want to curl up into your kids crib and join in on the cry fest?  A day where you say things you shouldn't and for a brief moment wish you had your "old" life back?  Well after 9 months of parenting twins, I finally had my first "Mommy Meltdown."

I'm not going to bore you with the mundane details of how that day went. In fact, for some, it was probably a typical, unpredictable day. You know how it goes:

-Early wake time

-Out of coffee

-Breakfast everywhere

-Diaper blow out

-Interrupted naps

-Company when all you want is to be alone

-Fussy, clinging babies

-Incessant crying

-Pounding headache

-No time for shower

The list really could go on, but I think you get the point. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had plenty of frustrating and tiring days. Days that kick my butt and that make me want to drop my girls off at a neighbor's house and just run (Totally kidding...kind of). This day however, was over the top and just sent me into tears.

I try so hard to be everything to my daughters and on this particular day I felt inadequate and unwanted. I know its absurd to think this, but I felt like I had failed and let down not only my girls but also my husband. I let the unpredictable and undesirable moments of the day dictate my mood and I just knew my girls were feeding off of my negative energy. At times, I was convinced they were doing this to me on purpose. Sort of a payback for all those "cry it out" nights that I put them through.

The moment my husband walked into the door, I handed him a kid, ran upstairs, and buried my head into my pillow so he couldn't hear my pathetic sobs. I was embarrassed that I couldn't handle a couple of fussy little babes and I didn't want him see the day's failures all over my face.  Silly me, all he had to do was look around the dirty kitchen, the disastrous playroom, and the filthy, food stained outfits on the girls to see how the day turned out.  There was no hiding it from him. He just knew I had been defeated.

Instead of bringing up what he knew was a horrible day, he offered to pick up my favorite treat from starbucks, to feed the girls their dinner, to give me some alone time for a nap and (gasp) let me take an uninterrupted, long and "much needed" (his words) shower. That night he hugged me and and thanked me for all that I do for him and the girls and he told me that he was proud of me and of the Mom that I had become.

In an instant, hearing those words erased the days frustrations. I never pegged myself as someone who craved attention or affirmation but being acknowledged and appreciated never felt so good.

Thankfully, these days are few and far between, at least for now.

I'm sure I will have my fair share of more meltdowns, but in the meantime...I'd like more moments like these please:

Chubby wrists and ankles make me melt...oh and cheeks, and thighs, and bottoms. Just not on me!

Yum, nothing like some plastic in our mouth!

Those eyes

That face

And that smile always bring me to my knees.

Rockin the sippy cup at 9 months!

These girls LOVE their daddy

Oh how lucky they are to have each other!

Sportin my faux fur vest!

And we love all our HUGE headbands!

Thanks for suprising us at the park Dad! 

New Year...

...new me. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. In fact I've never made one before. Which means by default, I've also never failed at one either! Not that anything was wrong with the old me (insert sarcasm here), I'm just craving some new beginnings and strongly desire to become a better wife, mom, daughter and overall person.

These two beauties have given me such purpose and a greater appreciation for life. I want to make sure to squeeze every bit of out of the life I was given and want my girls to be proud of the mother they have. I want them to feel the sunshine on their tiny little bodies every day that it is out and I want them to wiggle their toes in the dirt, sand, or grass every chance they get. I want to be more "present" every moment I am with them and forget about the pile of laundry that needs to be folded or the toys that need to be picked up. I want to make sure that every moment I have with them is memorable and unlike no other. I want to smother them with fun, goofiness, cuddles, kisses and just plain love because they deserve it.

The holidays are just about packed up. That dang tree is staring me down begging me to give it it's final resting spot and the garland and nativity scenes are being boxed up as I type. The neighbors cookies and treats have been polished off and all the holiday left overs are long gone. Oh how I wish I could blame my husband for not leaving a crumb behind, but the little, I repeat, LITTLE muffin top on my "skinny" jeans begs to differ. I know it's so cliche but one of my resolutions is to lose the rest of my pregnancy weight and take better care of my body. I refuse to utter the word "diet" so instead, I am resolved to eating healthy and excercising more. Not only for me, but for my girls. I intend on being around for a very long time and while I'm here I always want to have the energy for them.

My vow to incorporate a healthier lifestyle isn't the only resolution I've made. I actually hesitate to call my list "resolutions" out of fear that I will consider it a failure if I don't accomplish them. Instead, I will call it my 2011 bucket list. This way I can relish in the accomplishments of completing my goals and I can have a list of "things" to look forward to.  So here it goes...

-Have a picnic in the park with my family. No phones, no iPads, no electronics.  Just me, my husband, my girls and God's creation. 

-Finally complete one of the several scrapbooks that I've started

-Run a 5k with my girls. Double jogger in tow.  

-Clean out my closet and donate my clothes to a worthy organization

-Attend The Pancreatic Cancer Action Network's yearly fundraising gala in honor of my mom and grandmother who both succumbed to the horrible disease. 

-Hike a new spot in Orange County at least once a month with the girls strapped to our backs. 

-Take my girls to my husband and I's favorite spot in the world, Hanalei Bay, Kauai and let them dig their toes in the sand for hours. 

-Surprise my husband with a spontaneous trip or gift just because.

-Take more pictures and not let them just sit in cyber storage.  

-Be more present as a mother and not sweat the small stuff. Enjoy every moment, as it will soon just be a memory.

-Live healthier. More fun in the sun, puddle jumping in the rain, snacking straight from mother nature, and washing it all down with God's greatest cocktail, H20.

There you have it, my New Year's Bucket List. A new year, a new me. I have so much to look forward to and so much to be grateful for.

Take a look for yourself...